accolaades.

2 am ain’t the new 4

deleterious language is neither here there nor

i dreamt these nights would never be a bore

persuasion for you has always seemed a chore

my head aches at the sight of a face

distraught with the fear of setting such a pace

we keep driving and crying

sipping and dipping

hoping but never winning

tellin’ ourselves cause never has a beginning

effecting change, childish grinning

begrudge the adoration

cache the frustration

happiness is truly a creation

I coerce the laugh

taming it for sincerity 

and promising it dessert before dinner

driving and crying

sipping and dipping

to hope and perchance some winning

"As I've gone through life, I've found that your chances for happiness are increased if you wind up doing something that is a reflection of what you loved most when you were somewhere between nine and eleven years old" - Walter Murch

So, I've been turned down by ALOT of things. A lot of really great things, and a lot of so-so things. As you can imagine, I'm not feeling so wonderful, or at least I wasn't...the one program that decided to accept me is the University of Southern California's School of Cinematic Arts.

I still don't believe it. I'm waiting for someone to call and offer me money to not sue them because they made a HUGE mistake and meant to send the acceptance to a different Megan! This is all very exciting...in fact, it's a dream come true. This opportunity would open so many doors. I would meet incredible people in the industry, get to make tons of films, frolic around LA, etc. Too bad it costs billions and trillions of dollars to go. I haven't made a decision...I'm waiting. Would I be stupid to pass this up?

It's also Spring Break, which is nice. We're going camping (weather pending) in New Mexico. I'm also getting my wisdom teeth out and hopefully finishing my thesis! I graduate so soon and I would just like to be set in what I'm doing this summer/next year.

Some things I've been thinking about:
- God works in weird ways and I'm trying to figure out if His desires for my future could possibly involve taking out lotsss of loans
- I'd really love to sing in a band and actually be able to play my mandolin
- Amos Lee is pretty exceptional and his music will definitely inspire my next film
- I LOVED Away We Go, and Alexi Murdoch really gets to me
- Was the Hurt Locker REALLY that incredible? I mean it was a great film...but???
- Still haven't seen Avatar, don't know that I ever will
- No one should have to see Precious more than once, everyone should HAVE to see it once, I've seen it twice...
- Look up the band Wartime Blues...they played at the Ancient (?) Mariner...weird right...but they have a great sound
- I really like climbing...can I do that and live in LA?
- Can I do ANYTHING I like and live in LA?

They Made A Statue of Us!

I just watched Julie & Julia and it made me really excited about trying...trying to be the best me, trying to be a filmmaker, trying not to fail school, trying not to get down on my life because I'm not exactly where I thought I would be. There are so many things we can be, and why not try? All the world can say is "no." And we brush ourselves off and try again. Try something new and terrifying. As long as we're all trying we'll be OK.


I guess that sounds silly. But honestly, what else can we do? I look at the life I picture for myself, the place I dream of being, and I feel like I'm moving in that direction. But the funny part is my vision of the life I want changes every single day. Sometimes it even changes hourly. But that's what's so cool about it all. I constantly have a vision for my life, and since it's constantly changing whatever I'm doing will turn out alright. This logic is probably insane, but it works for me. haha.


But Julie & Julia was a nice film. We watched the little special features afterwards (My mom loves the deleted scenes) and the set designer was talking about the use of windows to connect the two stories. I thought that was all very beautiful. The use of light and windows to create a look for the film, but also to symbolically allow the audience to "look in" at the lives of the main characters. It also created this idea that both Julie and Julia were connected, regardless of the distance of time and space, they were only a glance out the window away. I don't think I want to go into set design, but you need a damn good cinematographer to actually make ideas like that come into life on screen. 


For Christmas my sister got me a wonderful book. It's so lovely and exciting because you can tell she put a lot of thought into it and truly supports my endeavors and interests...better yet, she believes in me, which never hurts. The book is The Conversations: Walter Murch and the Art of Editing Film. I've only briefly glanced through it, but hear that it is a wonderful book and great resource. More on this later...


I guess there is no rhyme or reason to these thoughts. I find that there are only three reasons I ever really decide to write anything on here: I'm incandescently happy and inspired, I'm about to travel somewhere, or I'm sad and confused by this whole life thing. I know no one really reads this, which honestly is for the best. I can't ever envision myself keeping a diary...but isn't this basically a diary? And by the way...cheers to nerdy archaeologists (ahem, sorry historical anthropologists or something like that?) for sending their students playlists entitled "Deeper than Doxa." I mean honestly, does it get nerdier/more wonderful? I'll probably do that someday...Merry Christmas!


If you do read this, will you watch my movie?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzNZHd6ClHM

Down By the Bur Oak Tree

I'm sleepy. It's 7:07 and hotter than I would like it to be. I'm so overwhelmed and school hasn't even started. But I've decided something very important today. I'm not going to decide. hmm. I'll let life decide. There are way too many things to choose from. It's not like I'm going to stand by and watch the world go by, but I'm most certainly not going to make any choices. I guess that's what I usually do. This time I'm just putting a name to it.

If a song can make you twirl through the basement of a museum and distract you through the monotony of artifact inventory, it's worth a listen.

TWIRL

Bowerbirds. Bur Oak. Hymns for a Dark Horse.

I picture the most beautiful dance to this song. There would be a group of dancers mimicking the move of one dancer. Representing the different voices. And of course there would be an epic twirl on "tree," only to be followed by a chorus of twirls on the repeated "tree." Can someone please make that dance for me?

And I think if I ever write a song it will be for a musical. That's been my only success so far. And part of my not choosing will be to apply for an internship at This American Life. fyi.

Maybe I'm a Loser, Maybe I'm a Rapper

Deep exhale. I'm home. Deep breath. I hunger for home, but never stay."Could I have been a parking lot attendent?" It's strange to picture yourself in the exact place that you are. Not looking back on my late nights in La Fortuna, praying for a bright eruption (taking for granted that I was at the base of an active volcano). Not looking forward on my upcoming internship at the heritage center.

I guess this is the greatest thing I would change about myself: appreciating the now, understanding the then and I guess just being thankful for even the possibility of tomorrow.But don't be fooled, this life has been beautiful, but I have given up certain things, sacraficed certain human attributes that are generally desired. I don't sit still. I don't even wait along enough to see what could happen. You told me I'd be thirty when I finally married, maybe in Egypt you said. Is that what I want?

I am back from Costa Rica. It's incredible to be with family again and see the best of the best in friends. I am a bit saddened by the surrealism of the whole experience. This always happens. I come home expecting people to want to hear my stories, to see pictures, to talk about the places i've seen. But it's not their fault, they kept living, their experiences are no less important than mine. It's just hard...I'm leaving again, which I want, which I need to do. But I ask myself, why is there this need? What about me has me convinced that I am so entitled to all this? I guess I'm just hoping there is a greater...dare I say...purpose. It's been rad, epic, beautiful. But it's meant to be shared, and not just through photos and souvenirs.

That's my attempt at reflection, something that I have been trying to figure out how to do for a while now. Now that I'm back I'd like to make this whole buisiness a bit more frequent. To keep it going I'll add a music aspect. A song or an album I find interesting. Maybe the occasional idea as to how it would fit into a movie. I think that's what I want to do with my life, pick songs for films.My sister played "Wednesday (contra la puerta)" by Mike Doughty for me the other day in the car. He sings my favorite song ever, a cover of "Real Love" and this song has the same sort of movement and sweetness to it. His lyrics are goofy which I admire. Give it a listen yourself:

Golden Delicious album by Mike Doughty on MySpace Music - Free Streaming MP3 Album Song Tracks

And for added fun listen to "Yawn at the Apocolypse" by Andrew Bird. Never has a song been better titled. I will be using this song in an epic film someday.

favorite photographs 2008

 

our land is still not for sale...i fear that we'll never straighten out our priorities

we are your friends, you'll never be alone again

ain't no sunshine when she's gone

  

you disappeared but the history is still here

"oh kevin, you're so like heaven" 

militarization

Cynthia Enloe has put our current military engagements and out the militaristic values in our culture in perspective for me. Her explanation of militarization and the way it impacts all of us, both directly and indirectly, helps me understand my own connections to the military. A feminist view on militarization begs the question of what a “less militarized military” and thus society would be like:

“A less militarized military would be one less imbued with an institutional culture of masculinized violence. It would be a military less committed to a hierarchical, threat-filled worldview; having an “enemy” wouldn’t be so central to the military’s raison d’être.” (Enloe 2007, 7)

 Doesn’t this apply to society as a whole? And is militarization the reason for this? Wouldn’t we be more likely to value historically and biologically priceless short grass prairie lands if we cared less about being right? Focused more on peace than violence? Encouraged equality among our citizens and considered the impacts on everyone and not just those with the most power? This may be a stretch, but it cannot be denied that the issues we have been discussing are a part of a larger “societal ill,” so to speak. When is enough, enough? Whether you identify it as a conscience, a moral code rooted in us by some higher being, or just an evolutionarily embedded differentiation of right and wrong, it is something we all have. How we choose to use this very valuable tool, in my opinion, is what can make or break us as a society.